It's a difficult thing to to discover and realize things about yourself that aren't pleasant. To finally come to grips with who you really have been over the years. Especially if the person you've been wasn't a pleasant one. To be brought to a place so low and dark that it's hard to see the light at the top. This can be even more difficult if it was you who brought you to this point. Well, that's where I'm at.
For so many years I did what I wanted to do with no thought about who I was hurting or where the path I was on, was taking me. Unfortunately for me that path lead to where I am today. Alone and searching for answers.
We probably all define happiness a little differently. I like to think of it as something that will fill the void in your life. Whatever that void may be. I know that God will fill that void and give us peace, joy and hope and that no matter where our lives take us, or what situations we find ourselves in, if we are walking with Him, we will have the peace, joy and hope He provides. For most of my life I ignored that promise He gives us. Instead I tried to find happiness on my own in all the wrong areas. Then I would take His forgiveness for granted when I felt convicted about what I was doing. I would pray for forgiveness and almost immediately turn back to finding happiness any where but in Him. Over and over again I would do this.
Being brought to the place I am at now is unfortunate but at the same time I must praise the Lord for these circumstances. He has a lesson for me to learn. He wants to see me change, grow and learn from all of this. A few weeks ago I was sitting and reflecting on where I am at today. During this reflection I realized that (even after all that I've been through in the past year or so and more importantly the past couple of months) I was still searching for happiness in all the wrong areas. All the areas that brought me to where I am today. That's when a bible verse I had heard or read before struck a cord within my heart.
1 Timothy 1:14-16 says "The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. Here is a trustworhty saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners-of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life."
God has poured His grace out on me abundantly. I am a sinner of the worst kind. God has shown me His mercy over and over again so that I may be an example to those who don't believe and I have taken that grace and mercy for granted over and over again. In the grand scheme of things what matters is that we realize when we sin, we sin against God himself. Sin is direct disobedience to God. In doing so we disrupt the communication line between ourselves and Him. The only way to get that communication line open is to repent and ask God for forgiveness. So often when we ask for forgiveness we ask because our sin may have hurt someone. But God wants us to ask for forgiveness because we hurt Him by being disobedient. Then and only then can we be taken to a place of healing, change, growth, learning and hope. That's where I went wrong so many times. I wanted forgiveness but I wanted it on my terms. I never thought about what it meant to sin against God until now. I never bothered to ask God for forgiveness because I sinned against Him.
It's a difficult thing to realize all of this and it can be an even more difficult thing to begin to make the changes needed to find the peace, joy, and hope God promises. The good news is I am done running in the wrong direction. The climb up to the top isn't going to be easy and I know I will fall. The difference is my eyes are fixed on the Lord now and even when I fall I will look back to Him, repent for sinning against Him and then I will continue my climb with Him, and here's why....IT'S A WONDERFUL THING to know there is HOPE in our LORD and SAVIOUR JESUS CHRIST!
Karl? Remember God doesn't expect perfection....He expects us to sin and he knows we will take his forgiving nature for granted. You are not the horrible monster you describe in this entry, but rather a grest person striving to be the best person he can be. I've been where you are, struggled with the same thoughts of being selfish, and the same depairing thoughts of "oh my gosh what have I done". It isn't a fun place to be but it is setting the stage for u to come out a stronger better person. Ponder and think about the possibility that maybe this was part of God's plan for you....a possible stepping stone to get u to where He wants you to be....I'm not saying it is or it isn't, but I do know God hurts just as much as u watching u agonize like this. Our God is a loving, and forgiving God as u r well aware and will forgive us as many times necessary, not a harsh condeming ominous figure. I pray u find peace and contentment within....my biggest wish for u is happiness....only then can u be the best person and parent. Karl, u only have one shot at life....live it to the fullest! Xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteWOW, I am moved to tears with your writings and thoughts. I am humbled by your confessions. I am amazed at the gift God has given you in mercy, forgiveness, grace and the ability to show others with the talent of writing your thoughts on paper. I encourage you to journal as many times a day as you can because this is an excellent way to heal and keep our thoughts under control.
ReplyDeleteKarl~
ReplyDeleteThis is beautiful and you should be really proud of yourself and your self-discovery. One of the hardest journey's that we embark upon is self forgiveness. We've all made poor decisions from time to time but we learn from them (hopefully)and grow. Every choice, every decision that we have made has brought us to the place that we are today. Not all of it is bad - most is good as long as we continue to see the silver lining no matter how difficult it might be.
My road to forgive myself began several years ago. I know that God forgave me a long time ago....but I still haven't forgiven myself. It's not that I ever did anything terribly wrong but my choices and behaviors disappointed and hurt a lot of people. I particularly struggle with this since my dad passed. We didn't have a super close relationship, as a matter of fact I think we disagreed with each other most times just because we knew the other would put up a good fight But, he was always there when I needed him. I took that for granted often times. Never told him how much his support, encouragement and our "disputes" meant to me. Life changes at an instant! Here one minute...gone the next. I try to make up for that each and every day with mom.
Don't dwell too long or you will miss all the beauty, love and compassion that God has to offer. You have many beautiful blessings - cherish and treasure them each and every day just like all those that love and care for you cherish and treasure you! You are a blessing from God – don’t ever forget that! He loves you very much.....and so do we!